Hobbyfilosofens hjärnkontor -

For some reason it feels easier to write this in english. Maybe because it’s not my first language. Maybe because then it feels like this is not actually about me, even though it is.

And I would like to add something very important to this. I'm fully aware that people who have had shitty childhoods themselves may behave in toxic ways towards others, unconsciously. But this does not mean that it's okay. Because it's not. If you cannot solve your shit by yourself - seek help. We live in modern times and have easy access to therapists and counselors. Take your own responsibility, it will benefit both yourself and people around you.

I have always had a underlying, strong fear of being abandoned. This happens when experiencing strong and owerwhelming feelings and expressing them in some way. And when not being able to keep them inside - I fear that people I love will leave me. That I’m not worthy of their love. Like I’m only worthy of love when I keep myself together.

It’s a very painful fear which often makes me feel that it would be easier, and less painful to just be left alone. To not let anybody else see or experience my strong feelings, or more correctly - the expressions of them. I have learned to withdraw when this tsunami of feelings comes crashing over me. Like it is wrong to have them. But trying to run away from myself has not been very successful.

When looking in the rear mirror on my life, I kind of understand where this fear comes from. As long as I didn’t make any fuss about anything - I was good. But when and if I did - I was not worthy. Worthy of their time, worthy of their love. Just a shell of a human trying to figure life out. Feeling alone and like an alien trapped in my own body. Trying to appear calm and collected, but screaming inside.

This is something that I still struggle with, more or less, everyday. Trying to convince myself that I AM worthy. That I DO deserve love even if I’m not always calm and collected. And even if I sometimes happen to express strong feelings like I’m a kid trapped in a grown ups body.

This is my inner child stepping forward and trying to figure shit out. The inner child that just wanted to be seen and heard. To be loved - for who she was.

It’s time for me to be the grown up and tell my inner child that everything is going to be alright. To show her the love that she deserves. To set the boundaries that she was not able to. She only struggled to survive. She did what she could at that time.

It’s okay.

She is okay.

She is me.

💜